August. 19. 2013
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Entry 45: "Unhelpful Help" No More
August. 19. 2013
August. 19. 2013
Man, there are huge differences between compassion, empathy, and an honest helping hand, versus sympathy/enabling. I can see now, that this year, I somehow seemed to get punished. Ousted and reverse-discriminated against, by these beurocratic systems that just don't get it.
I explored logical realism, inquisitively, in several shades of grey. I tried to consider complex discrepancies. I rejected "unhelpful help" (i.e. sympathy/enabling/pity.) In it's place, I asked for sensible compassion, and an actual solution. As much as I thought I fell, I was growing, but still not better...and not better enough to handle what felt wrong to me. I had to take hits, and falls, to see what this all meant.
Some people don't get how they "help" people continue to stay sick. It means they're sick too, in one way or another. They're unaware that when they pity, they're coming from fear. They even obligate themselves to pity, because it's encouraged in todays' society. It's a society which is, like it or not, hierarchal and insidiously disempowerment-based. There is constant judgment, whether we're conscious of it or not.
Pity is especially like a sugarcoated judgment, really. It's disempowers the receiver, and only has them feeling lower inside, even though it's disguised with superficial justifications. There's a difference between understanding and having empathy for where one is coming from, and making an excuse for them. This can even devalue them in the process.
It's actually a rule in precedent, to be overly careful about being too out rightly "offensive." However, people are judging all the time, and denying it (even to themselves), or using ways to get around being "obviously offensive." They'll swing between either harsh judgment and attack, or unhelpful pity and enabling.
There doesn't seem to be much motivation to empower people, either listening to a persons' different idea with an open mind, or being gently (and with boundaries) honest with them, about a concern, and why. However, the latter doesn't really work, if one's view of what "help" should look like is tainted.
This produces the worst kind of insidious, often inadvertent, structurally violent abuse. It’s often enacted sociologically. It can drive both the persecuted and the enabled to insanity.
Yes, it is a sick and passive aggressive structural violence. It keeps people down, even if it's disguised. Much of society is sick to some degree right now, even and especially the ones who don't appear to be. It's not just reserved for those who are obviously acting out.
It's the indoctrination itself, which is subjective and lacking individualism.
This is why faith in something, spiritual or moral, can really work. It's not just for addiction, and there are various versions of recovery models. What I love recovery work in a good self help meeting (of one’s choice) is that it can be discreet, practices autonomy and is not necessarily connected with the "system. “It can help those affected by the system "live life on life's terms" and accept what they can and cannot change.
This can transform your life; if one is able to not take the old fashioned language literally, and find a way to interpret it in the abstract way it's meant to be. If one is able to take what they like, and "leave the rest" in terms of what they hear, then 12 step meetings can be good. There are positives to the values taught there.
Everybody going into those rooms is still struggling with afflictions, so it's a great exercise to listen openly and non judgmentally. The code is one of "love and tolerance" and I love this. Of course, it's not always followed, but when it isn't, the exercise is to ignore that and not take it on.
Those who have been hurt by groups that truly do suppress individualism are entitled to feel wary, and I've been there too. There may be some groups with that "feel" to it, but if there is a just move on to find one I feel more comfortable with.
Online groups can be an option, when social fatigue is prevalent. There are even self-help YouTube videos, if one is really unable to even type. I think a combination of these options is good. When one can speak, find and try the right kinds of groups. The act of people coming together can be both powerful and empowering.
I also think that if people stay in to get help especially, behind a computer or whatnot, getting out in nature might be a great balance. Nature is healing, regardless. I love nature, and need more of it soon. I was able ot write “reaching for the light” because I was spending some time on, and near, the beach.
I was, at one point, bitterly cynical due to being burned multiple times. I can still be cynical, but I’m not as bad as I was, and I’m trying to heal…in spite of, and gradually.
Once, I kept myself away from everything, as I couldn't see in what way it is supposed to help. I am still prone to go into isolating. I had to find a way to get out of those dark shadows, and open my mind again. If not, I would not be making the active, steady recovery I am making. Sometimes we have to find a way to make "help" work for us.
A lot of the forms of "help" within the system make it nearly impossible to do that, which is why I needed to find something that I could do that with.
Although people may worry about “culty-ness” many new thought groups deeply encourage individualism amongst people, and in addition, encourage this as part of healing. If they don't, then it's not a group coming from the Power of Love, but from the Love of Power…and thus not worth going.
It's about finding the right kind of support, but always relying on yourself and the "higher power" of your understanding and choice, first before people (we can't control other people.) It's about not giving up in that process, recognizing unhelpful help, and rejecting it before it burns you. It's hard to discern, but if we listen to our hearts more, and heads less, I've found it to be possible!
The Love of Power is fear-based, with a need to control and indoctrinate; but the Power of Love is exactly the opposite. It's been worth it to me, to simply not give up on what felt right for me, and to practice it in the way those worlds for me. I'm also very spiritual, and identify as loosely pagan. I've found that where people have let me down, faith never has. I've been repeatedly failed by the system, but then there is my faith.
Of course, group dynamics are always challenging; but also a good social integration exercise. People entering meeting rooms, with motivation to seek help, can of course still be stuck in dark energy. However, the reason why they are there is because they are reaching for the light. They're motivated to do whatever it takes, to get closer.
Everyone has a common goal, and therefore can relate on this common ground; which is beautiful. The consciousness of that is what counts most.
I’ve found it’s not about beating oneself up at all. It's about loving oneself, though taking ownership for mistakes, and in turn forgiving oneself. It's about acknowledging all sides and parts of the wrong, the others and also yours. There are actions/assaults of the other, and there are reactions that only made it worse.
There's no black and white with anything. Everything can be put into perspective. It’s too bad everyone can't learn these principals, for what they really are. The "helping" professions in the system often don't practice these at all, or at least not enough. I'm actually privileged to have "fallen" into it. I think it'd help anyone with PTSD, even and especially aspies.
This is, again, as long as I keep it something I'm receiving directly from the universe, and not primarily relying on the people, though identifying when I "hear the universe working though people."
This means, when people say something that resonates with my heart and lifts me to further enlightenment and recovery. This all helps me truly rise above the bully. I didn't get it at first, because I was too sick...but now I do.
I'm not perfect either, of course. I still have much work to do, but now; I get how to do it. I made contact with the universe, without allowing any noise to interfere. I have finally realized what unhelpful help is, and why it is. I have realized that a lot of this to do with un-evolved, unhealthily hierarchal, disempowering systems.
This is especially true when it comes to the understanding of Au people. I have a choice; I can reject it now and forever more. I can turn my sights onto a horizon I choose to walk towards. We can't fight fire with fire...or be too sweet with too sweet.
- Rose Whitson-Guedes
*Like what you read/wish to support? Diary of A Girl Outside The Box and others (Kindle) are available to purchase via the "books" link on my site!