Thursday, September 25, 2014

Entry 53: Coming Into Autism

Disclaimer A

Nov. 24. 2013

Over the course of seven years my body's been folding, and saying "no more." I have developed "fibromyalgia." As well, I'm naturally attuning to my autistic son, by speaking my native tongue to communicate with him. This has transformed me. Yes, it's transformed me back to my roots. It's dissolved the facade I had become so good at wearing. I was once a coping little actress, dumbing myself down into a cutesy, simple-language girl-next-door. I was mimicking and mirroring.

I was playing a what-others-need-to-hear-in-order-to-functionally-respond-to-general-conversation game. It was Survival Poker, and secretly; it was amidst pokerfaces. No, I could never read them very well, and it was always frightening, though I didn't understand why. I merely decoded them as best I could, with my cat-like sixth "scents." They are really strong, detrimentally strong actually.

At times, though, I could miss something. I could be wrong, or have my sixth sense shut off with something like alcohol. In these instances, I often got hurt, sometimes badly. I am lucky to be here, lucky to have survived. That's all I'll say for now.

Today, things are different. I'm a flaming autistic! I'm nearly a "mad- hattress"...and you know what? I like it. I'm overall happier than I ever was before, than I ever dreamed I could be. I'm twirling around in a whirlwind of music, patterns, colors, and questions. I'm crying, "Why is a raven like a writing desk??"

Many a time, this spawns into; "why do governments adhere to the needs of corporations over people?" and "why are so many people currently inclined to act foolish, competitive, or desensitized when in groups especially" and so much more. Alas, the real me have come to be. The real me is awake!

So lastly, I cry out "where is the loooove???"Whence answering myself in colorful pictures numerical rhythms and musical patterns. I began struggling to turn it into language. I had to get it out. My blog was born.

Half the time, I'm capturing it supremely, despite an aftermath of tiredness. The other half of the time, I'm still tearfully crying "WHY IS A RAVEN LIKE A WRITING DESK???" once again. I cannot, and will not, change what I have become. No. I actually don't think I can anyway.

The Fibrobeast is my friend, only in the way it says "you are not allowed to perform as neurotypical anymore, or I will bite you!" So I Be. This is, in fact, the person I truly am. Now my next step is to fully let it be, and even let it go.

- Rose Whitson-Guedes

*Like what you read/wish to support? Diary of A Girl Outside The Box and others (Kindle) are available to purchase via the "books" link on my site!

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